Bartimaus and the Fanfic
by Godell
Summary: Based slightly on Never Leave Fanfiction Lying Around by crazyroninchic. Bartimaus discovers a weird book at a bookstore, and is forced by Nathaniel to bring it home. Farquarl also makes an appearance. A mockery of Mary Sue story. Becomes semiserious late
1. Chapter 1

Bartimaus and the Fanfic

Chapter One: The Horror Has Been Unleashed!

Bartimaus began browsing the bookshelves in a bored way. Nathanial wanted books, he got books. But Bartimaus wanted to give his Master a shock. A BIG shock. Which one to pick? Finally the djinni's hands rested on something frilly. "What the--!" he muttered, than screamed. "SWEET !#$$!" Bartimuas yelled in Babylonion. The book the djinni was holding (in his Ptolmy form) had Precious Moments stickers on them, was pink, and (much to Bartimuas' disgust) an NC-17 picture of him and some weird girl.

Nathaniel then appeared around the corner. "Well, Bartimaus?" he asked. "Did you get me any…"—his eyes fell on the pink book—"Ooooh, lets get that one!" the magician said maliciously. His "slave" sighed, and bought the book, thinking nasty revenges at the same time. Walking back to the large townhouse in Prague where the two lived together, passersby seemed to realize there was some evil afoot, and began walking at amazing paces. "Well, Nat," Bartimaus grinned half-heartedly, "You're going to regret buying this book, I'm sure of it."

Nathaniel sighed, and relaxed in his lawn chair. "Okay Bartimaus, read." Bartimaus skimmed the first few lines, laughed insanely, and said "Okay. I read a chapter, you read a chapter. How's that?" His master nodded. His djinn servant grinned, and began to read, transforming into a girl in the process:

"_The Adventures of Kim and her Hubby"_

_By_

_KittysSisswt17_

_Chapter One_

_Kim Spell walked along the paved road, humming a sweet little tune. Everyone in town LOVED her, even the really old dudes. The boys picked her up from school every day, and took her to Dairy Queen for some ice cream…and love poems. But she turned them all down, because she wanted one person only. Problem was, he wasn't a person, or even real. His name was Bartimaus, the Sakhr Djinni, N' Gorso the Mighty, and the Serpent of Silver Plumes, and blah blah blah who cares about THAT stuff anyway? The point was, or seemed in the book anyway, that he was hot. Hot enough to touch. She kissed the book every night before she went to bed. She wanted him as her hubby, and that was the greatest of honors._

_Suddenly, a car careened right into Kim, and killed her. BUT—it was only the beginning._

"_Ooooh…where am I?" Kim said in a maidenly tone of voice. POOF! A airy appeared on her shoulder and said "I shall take you to the wurld of London. There you will meet your hubby, Bartimaus. Sound good, Kim?" The beautiful girl smiled happily, and was whisked away to the land of her dreams. (:Sigh:)_

Bartimaus growled at the vile…thing as if it were alive. "I. Am. No ones. 'HUBBY'."

He muttered, loud enough for Nathaniel to hear. The magician signaled for his to carry

on. Bartimaus groaned, and was ready to continue the horror when a portly cook walked

into the room. "F-Farquarl." The cook smiled. "Ah—I take it you're reading a

fanfiction. After you're done that chapter, I shall take your place, and then…this rat." He

pointed at Nathaniel, who shuddered. Bartimuas continued the story with mock-gusto.

"_Kim landed in a small circle with funky drawings on it. Where as she? Oh YES! The _

_Pentancle thingy! On her right, there was the scrawny midget Nathaniel. There, on her _

_left, was—"BARTI-HON! Oooh my baby! C'mere sweetie!" Kim cooed. Bartimaus _

_became Ptolmy, and bowed. "I wish to serve you, O my mistress--?" "Kimmy." The girl _

_cooed again. "What is your first order, Mistress Kimmy?" the djinni asked. Kim giggled._

"_Gimme a kiss." She stepped out of the Pentacle. Ratty-Natty gasped, and shouted some_

_stupid thing, but the two lovers didn't here the midget. They threw the little runt out of the _

_room, and began to have some "fun"…_

Bartimaus gasped, and said "I'll just say a few snatches. Lets see… 'silk sheets, whips,

candles, chocolate syrup..…ugh. Roses…lipstick, sweat trickling down her

unmentionables…this goes on for nine pages! Hang on…" Flip, flip, flip…flip, flip, flip.

"ANywaaaaaay…"

"_Two hour later, Bartimaus and Kim were laughing at a graet joke she had made about _

_Ratty-Natty. "Oooh, you are the coolest Master I've ever had!" the djinni-thing grinned._

_Kim giggled. "Aren't I just sooooooo awesome?" she batted her long eyelashes at her_

_Hubby. Hearts replaced his eyes as he stared slac-jawed at the beautiful maiden._

_Suddenly, a noise interrupted them. Someone screamed "The house is collapsing!" Immediantly jumping up, Kim grabbed Bartimuas, and whisked him away to safety. "My hero!" Bartimuas cried, and hugged Kim. "Oh, it was nothing, really!" she smiled, and fell asleep in the djinni's arms."_

Bartimaus sighed. "Phew. Now, onward to chapter two…" he flung the book at Farqurarl.

No one could believe the horror they unleashed. Heck, neither can I!

**You know the rules. R&R please! I hand out Bartimaus plushies to reviewers!**


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I only own Kim, aka Kitty'sSisswt17. Isn't she just plain EVIL!

Oh yes, and thank you all those who reviwed! Her you go! hands out Bartimaus plushies like she had promised

Chapter Two: MORE Crap to Behold!

Farquarl gave a unmanly squeal, and gingerly began to read, his eyes rolling in his head.

"_Chapter Two_

"_Ooooh, Bartimaus, lookie! It's a big festivuul in our honer!" Kim squealed. Bartimaus smiled warmly. "They've captured your beauty perfectly, Kimmy-Wimmy."_

Bartimaus screamed. "WHAT DID I JUST SAY—in that fanfic, anyway!" Farquarl smirked. "Kimmy-Wimmy. Soon she'll be calling you Barty-Warty." Nathaniel couldn't stop laughing at the two djinn. "P-Please c-continue, M-Mr. F-F-Farquarl…!" he gasped.

Farquarl squealed again, and continued.

"_Kim dragged Bartimuas out into the opening, and said "Become a balloon, hurry!" Bartimaus complied, and Kim dragged her Hubby into a dressing room. She then changed from her adorable pink sundress with a bunny on it into a pink polkadot bikini._

"'_Kay Barty-Hon! Transform into a handsome blond-haired man in black speedoes!"_

_Kim giggled. Bartimaus looked like SUCH a ladies man. Kim walked around the festivuul saying to people "This is my Hubby, Bartimaus, and YOU hussy's can't have him!" She made quite a lot of female enemies there, but that was her plan. If she had enemies, she could kick their arses, and Barti-Hun would love her forever and ever and ever! (:AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA…..:) _

The whole house was silent. Bartimaus grabbed a pillow and began twisting it with all his strength. "I notice that she spelled 'festival' and 'honor' wrong…" he growled. Nathaniel sighed dramatically. A sewing machine sounded. Farqarl turned to see his fellow djinni working speedily on a strange doll… "Bartimaus," Farqarl sighed. "what are you doing?"

The doll soon began to look a lot like the girl on the cover of this fanfiction…then the fellow listeners realized: it was a KIM VOODOO DOLL! YAAAAAAAY! Bartimaus grinned, and stuck a particularly large pin into Kim's stomach, wrenching it deeper and deeper into the doll. Soon, the sharp end of the pin was sticking out the other end of the Kim doll. Nathaniel looked sick. Farquarl cheered. "My turn!" he cried, and stuck a pin in the doll's head. Soon, even Nathaniel joined in, and the three began to feel much better. Then they remembered the chapter was still going. NOOO!

"_Kim soon got tired of the gaggle of idiots hanging around her bedroom window. She and her Hubby had bought a large Victorian Estate from a guy called Simon Lovelace._

_He was SO charmed by Kim's good looks that he even let her take control of that fat-cook person…Fart-quarrel of someyhing like that…anyway, Kim shoed all the idiots away, and went into the kitchen. Fart-quarrel was cooking some pasta, and humming to himself (or maybe ITSELF?). Kim walked seductively over the cook and said "Turn into a handsome man." Fart-quarrel obliged, and said "What do u want me 2 do?" Kim giggled. "Let's play 'Kiss the Cook'…" she whispered in his ear…_

"HOLY RA!" Farqarl jumped back from the book, reaching for the Kim voodoo doll.

Bartimaus was actually rather enjoying himself. "I'll read snatches of it like last time.. hmm… 'The two began to have a lot of 'fun'….pink lipgloss…ewww…'nearly speared Kim with his cleaver'…darn, I thought that'd be cool, much better than this crap. Errr…'Barti-Hon walked in, and joined the party'….jeezum, I think I need to puke!"

Bartimaus raced to the bathroom, while Farqarl passed out from horror. Nathaniel silently screamed. HE WAS NEXT! …DA-DUM….DA-DUM…DAAAAA-DUM….

**Keep those review coming, people! READ AND REVIEWWWWW…I shall give you a Kim voodoo doll if you do! They're loads of fun! STAB STAB STAB**


	3. Chapter 3

Lol Hey I'm back finally! Once again, THANK YOU all you awesome reviewers! (hands out Kim voodoo dolls) Now YOU TOO can murder Kimmy-Wimmy! AHAHAHA..hahaha…heh. ABYWAY, onward with ze ficcy!

Disclaimer: I think you know by now.

Chapter 3

Nathaniel groaned and whined. "Noooooo this cannot be happening, nooooooo…." He wailed. Then, sitting up, the young wizard began to slowly read…….

"_Like, Chappie No. 3! (giggle)_

_Nathaniel's POV _

_I awoke with tears coursing down my face. It wasn't fair. Bartimaus got Kim, while I scrounged for food in garbage cans. I decided it was time to take things into my own hands. After all, I WAS going to be thirteen in three hours. Kim was fifteen, so it wasn't all that big of an age gap. I snuck silently into the wench's room, only to find her arms holding on to me tightly. "Did you have a bad dream, Sugar-Nat?" Kim whispered. I shook my head. "Wizards don't have bad dreams." I replied. I then felt warm lips brush against my forehead. Looking upward, I saw the lovely maiden singing to me:_

**(TRUE AUTHOR'S NOTE: This song is of my own creation!)**

Hush little one, your Mother's here

To wash your pain away

When you wake in the morning,

Night will now be day

As I sing the song to you,

I hope you'll always know

I will always love you,

Through the wind and snow

And while birds prepare their songs,

Through the valleys oh so deep

I'll be singing you this song

So sleep, child, sleep

_I began feel my eyes close, but stopped myself. I had business to do. But before I could do it, I looked into Kim's eyes, and with their beauty in my head, I fell into peaceful slumber._

Nathaniel snapped to attention, realizing he had been stroking his shoulder. Bartimaus and Farquarl grinned, and began laughing uproariously. "Awwwwwwwwww, the widdle magician felt sweepy!" Bartimaus teased, pinching his master's cheeks. Nathaniel growled, feeling tears upon his face. With a newfound vigor, he began stabbing the stuffing out of the Kim voodoo doll. "I—HATE—THAT—GIRL!" the magician roared, throwing the book at the wall. Bartimaus's face changed to that of pity. "Now she's got HIM, Farquarl. I think"—he picked up the book—"that's the end of that chapter." Nathaniel turning to the djinn hopefully. "Is it?" he gasped. Bartimuas nodded.

Without further ado, Nathaniel grinned and plonked himself down on a cushion. "Then let's find out what happens! (Even though it may be nasty)" he chuckled.

**Short chappie, I know, but I'm bloody braindead right now. R & R please! I now have some COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL Nathaniel keychains that I give out to reviewers! LOOKIE! (dangles keychain in front of readers) BE MESSSSSMARIZED………….. **


	4. Chapter 4

Since so many of you WONDERFUL readers reviewed…

Reviewers: MORE! MORE!

YAY! Okay, you get your wish! Oh yes..here! (Hands out Nathaniel keychains) By the way…I now have an account at Deviant Art, so I might be spending time there too. Well anyway, on with the fic! YAAAAAAAAAAAAY! Oh yeah, I'll be working on some other fics too (a SERIES! WOOT!) It'll be family-friendly Yaoi, however. No likey? No ready.

Disclaimer: twitch You already know.

Chapter Four

Bartimaus groaned. "I really _hate _this, but as I'm defenseless against this horror…"

_Like, Omigod! Chappie Four!_

_Kim and Bartimaus grinned to each other as they stared at the sleeping form of Nathaniel. With Itching Powder in hand, the two lovers sprinkled a LARGE amount of the stuff on Nathaniel's butt. Giggling evilly, Kim threw the Itching Powder outside and shook Nathaniel gently. "Natty? Nat, wake up." The beautiful girl cooed. With a jolt, Nathniel got up, and began running around the room howling "MY BUTT FEELS REEL WEIRD! HELP! HELP!" Bartimaus rolled on the growd with laughter, with Kim along syd him. _

Farquarl chuckled. "That is a pretty good joke, really. I'm actually wondering what happens next." Bartimaus gasped in shock, and closed the book. "Uh…uh…I think it's over!" he yelled in panic. Nathniel grabbed the book, opened it, and fainted, leaving only Farquarl to countinue. Sighing, he read speedily, as Bartimaus looke don the verge of a Djinni-sized temper tantrum:

"_C'mon Nat, we'd better get u 2 the hospital." Kim's hubby said with mock-hurriednez. _

_The annoying wizard shook his head. "nah, I'll go alone. Thanx tho." He said. With snorts of laughter, Barti-Hon and Kim watched Nathniel stagger out of sight, scratching away at his rear. When their laughter died down, the two hubbys began to have a "workout"._

Bartimaus groaned. "I guessed as much." Nathniel regained conciousness, realized what had happened in the book suddenly, and fainted again. Meanwhile, Kitty was coming home from school to visit Nathaniel's house…

**Sorry this chapter was so short, but I have a time limit on here, and there's supposed to be a tornado coming…I think. Anyway, R&R! I'll give you a box of Itching Powder if you do! (grins) It makes for a good prank!**


	5. Chapter 5

Whoa…it's been ages. Really AGES. Of course, I have school (bleh) and my friends on my mind, so there's kind of an excuse. Oh yeah, here's a little misc. doodad, inspired by Chuquita:

**The Char. Corner, hosted by Godell, Bartimaus, Farquarl, and Nathaniel!**

Godell: Welcome, all! How is everyone?

Readers: GOOD! NOW HURRY UP AND COUNTINUE!

Bartimaus: Yes, get on with it!

Farquarl: Take it easy, Bartimaus. Think back when _you _were her age.

Bartimaus: I REALLY don't want to go that far into my memory.

Godell: XD

Godell: Now then….fic time…

Disclaimer: DUUUUUHHHHHHHHH…

Chapter Five

Kitty entered the room, feeling a sense of gloom. (Hey! I made a rhyme! Room, doom:P) "What's up, guys?" she asked, her blond hair getting in her eyes. She glanced at the pink book, then plopped down into a chair with a sigh. "THIS I gotta hear." Kitty gave a humorless chuckle. Bartimaus shoved the book into her arms. "Or better yet, read!" the djinni cried, grabbing the Kim voodoo doll. Kitty shrugged and began.

_Teeheehee, Chappie # 5! Like, total SWEETNESS!ll!_

_Bartimaus could, like, TOTALLY sense there was sumptin in teh air. Sumptin evil. Like, yeah. So N.E.Wayz, the shex-ay didge-eenie dude transfomed into his Puh-tolmee form, and woke the beautifully sleeping Kim. Her lilac hair—_

"Wait a minute, wasn't it blonde or something?" Nathaniel asked Farquarl, poking the book gingerly. "Hell, she's a bloody idiot, she probably dyed it that color." replied the cook djinni. Kitty cleared her throat and resumed reading:

_--Her lilac hair covered her sensational b00bz, and, like, totally made Barty-hun blush. _

"_Tehre is sum evil thingy outside, help me fight it, Kimmy-wub!" he cried. Kimmy would, like, do ANYTHING for her hubby, so she got her newly made sord, put on her lilac bathrobe to match her pwetty hair, and walked outside into the moonlite with Barty-boy._

"_Oooh, like, there is, like, this, like, really EVIL thingy out here!" she squealed, clutching her hubby's legs. Bartimaus ran his fingers thru her silky hair, and sang her some weird Egipt-shun lullaby. Kim calmed down, and suddenly pointed to a tree. "OMG! THERR IT IZ!1!" she cried, and swung her sord at the tree, and killed the evil force. It was ugly, had blond hair, and these uber-long pants. Kim recognised her. It was that hussy named…sumptin like "Kibbles"…but wut eva, who gives a care about HER N.E.Wayz? "She wanted you, B! Liek, OMG!" Kimmy told her hubby. He believed her, of corse! And, then, like, out in the moonlite, they made a testimony to ther lurve! _

Kitty felt sick. Bartimaus grinned weakly, and said snatches of what was happening. "Hmm…. 'white roses'… 'bust vs. butt'…ugh… 'hershey's kisses'…Not bad, actually. She must have been running out of ideas." Nathaniel turned to Kitty, who was frothing at the mouth from anger. "Ahh….tell me that's the end of the chapter…" he pleaded, watching Bartimaus chuckle humorlessly. The djinni shook his head sadly. Kitty stopped frothing at the mouth, and continued, her pupils dilating…

_After their 'fun', Bartimaus and Kimmy headed back to the mansion, talking and laughing. Only when they were making hot chocolate together did they notice._

"_Nathniel's, like, GONE!" cried Kimmy, in total shok._

_**Nathaniel's POV**_

_I awoke to, like, darknez. A strange shape came into view, which turned owt to be..SIMON LOVELACE! AAAAAAAAAAAAH! "Jon Maddrak, don't spoil this mo. for me. I've been watching u for a very long time now, WANTING you." I felt sick. Only, like, Kimmy could want me. ONLY HER! Before i could tell Simun this, I was dragged by sum invisibul force, and placed into this, like, uber-girly room. On the bed was this _

_like, pink sundress with "Sunny Dayz" on it. There was this, like, uber-frilly bow to go along with it. Ewww! I tehn saw this clozet, which I hoped would have some boyish clothin 4 me. How wrong could I get?1 There was a hole buch of THE frilliest, fluffiest, girliest, IDIOTIC outfits in the world (KSSS: Not to me! lol)! Simun had gone nutz! _

Kitty stared. "Wow…I guess that's where this chapter ends." Nathaniel cowered on the ground, reaching the Kim voodoo doll. "I really hate her…" he muttered, finding a good-sized pin and sticking it into Kim's chest. Bartimaus grinned, and joined in the voodoo-doll-slaying. However, before anyone could say another word, a bright light came from the book, and out of it appeared a girl…oh my God, NO!

Bartimaus: No kidding.

Nathaniel: (glares at the "Sunny Dayz" dress he's wearing) Oh how I HATE that girl…

Godell: Looks like she has some other weird scheme planned, too. Even _I _don't know what she's planning, and I'm the author of her!

Bartimaus: The author OF the author!

Godell: Hey yeah, that's right! WAHAHAHAH!

Nathaniel: You know that laugh scares me.

Godell: (gives Nat a noogie) That's why I do it, "Mr. Madrak"!

Nathaniel: I still can't believe she spelled that wrong. How hard is "Mandrake", anyway!

Godell: Well, anyway, it's over. (grins to readers) I tried to make this as long as possible!

Bartimaus: …..

**What think, readers? R&R! For girls, Nathaniel's "Sunny Dayz" sundress! For guys, Kim's sword! (grin)**


	6. Chapter 6

Hi everyone! It's been a while, eh?

Oh, I almost forget the sword and dress! (holds up several) Mind, you can pick which one you want. (people pick Kim's sword) …Good choice. (hands out swords happily)

**The Char Corner!**

Godell: Hi everyone!

Bartimaus: (prepares his Kim voodoo doll for the onslaught of pins) FIRE!

Readers: (throw huge pins at the Kim voodoo doll and cheer)

Bartimaus: ONE MORE TIME! FIRE!

Readers: (throw pins with gusto)

Nathaniel: Thanks everyone! (waves the destroyed Kim doll in the air like a trophy)

Godell: Er…hehe, okay now, onward and upward!

Bartimaus: Wait, remember what you wanted to tell everyone? The Super Important Thing? If that doesn't jog your memory, I don't know what will.

Godell: Hm? Oh, right! (holds up book) MY NEXT SLAYERS FIC "Amethyst and Gold"!

Readers: (faint from shock/and or happiness)

Godell: Alrighty-ro! To the chappie!

**D**

**D**

**d **

Disclaimer: ….you already know.

Chapter 6: Skimpy bunny panties! AAAH!

Bartimaus and the others gasped and covered their eyes as the being materialized. Nathaniel blushed a little, and stood up. The figure revealed itself to be…

A messenger Imp.

"WHAAAAAAAAAT!" Bartimaus, Farquarl, and Kitty screamed in shock. Nathaniel nodded to them, and took the package from the Imp. Opening it, the magician let out a cry of delight. "WHOO-HOO! MY SLAYERS DVD CAME IN!" he cried, surprising everyone but Kitty. She shrugged. "Nat thinks Lina is hot…" she whispered to the djinn, who chuckled. Nathaniel blushed, and resumed his seat, humming the Slayers theme under his breath. Bartimaus took the book from Kitty's hands, and began to read.

_WHEE! Chappie Numbuh 6:D_

_Kim rubbed Natty-boy's temples with her lily-white, soft hands. She and her Hubby had found the boi outside on the front porch, wearing a dress similar to Kim's. Along with him, there had been a uber-cute gold necklace 4 Barty-Hon and Nat each that read: _

♥ _**Kim is my sweetheart ♥**_

_It was sooooooooo cute! Kim had asked B-Hon to wear it every day and night, and (of course) he did. Now it was Nathaniel's turn…heeheehee! _

Nathaniel blushed a brilliant shade of crimson, and buttoned his t-shirt up hurriedly. However, Bartimaus pulled his master over to him, and yanked down the shirt. There, in sliver, was a similar necklace, only it said "Kitty" instead of "Kim". Kitty also blushed, and scooted nearer to the door. Bartimaus smirked triumphantly, and continued his narrative.

_As Nathaniel woke up, he realized that he was wearing a dress. With a squeak he hurriedly ripped it off him…only to find he had nuthin' underneath! Not even any undies! OMG lol! With a giggle, Kim took off her skimpy bunny panties nad handed them to Nat. "You can wear these, 'Bun-Bun'! They'll fit you perfectly!" she said airily. Nathaniel put them on speedily, along with a yellow t-shirt with a smiling daisy on it. "Oooh how totally ADORABLE! U should wear it more often!" Kim cooed. Barty-Hun stifled a (manly!) giggle, and pulled Kim away from the young Magician. Guess what happens now? WHEEEEEEEEEEE SUPER SEXY-NEZ X 10! _

Bartimaus groaned, and flipped through the pages again. This time, he didn't utter any of the words. Nathaniel turned to peek over his slave's shoulder, but was pushed away. Farquarl read his friend's mind speedily, and understood why Bartimaus hadn't said anything. "NC-34, eh…" he muttered, scaring the teens to death. "I-Is that even POSSIBLE!" Kitty screeched. Nathaniel gave a whimper and scurried away to the bathroom, with both djinn and Kitty following suit. AAAAAAAAH!

Meanwhile, the servant imps were muttering to themselves about a new evil…

**I'm so god-dang lazy…but that's because I have two other fics in mind, one of which I'll be working on shortly. Don't worry, I'll still work on this one, Just expect the next chappie in about two/three weeks time. (sweatdrop) REMEMBER: R &R! I will give you—(digs through huge bag)—A KITTY/NATHNIEL PLUSHIE! WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! (hugs plushie and waits for reviews)**


	7. Chapter 7Godell's POV

Hee! I'm back, relatively early this time too:D Oh yes, before I continue, I would like to tell you that I'm running EXTREMELY low on ideas for this fic. At least, for the fic within the fic. --; If anyone has any suggestions, they'd be very much appreciated. Anyway…here are your plushies! (hands out plushies with a slightly pained smile) I shall miss them…I made Kim work her Mary-Sue-arse off on these… (smirk)

**The Char Corner! Starring Godell, Bartimaus, and Nathaniel**

Godell: Welcome back, guys!

Bartimaus: (sarcastically) Yes, welcome back to this torture chamber…

Godell: Aw, c'mon Bartimaus! It's all in fun! (lots of dry laughs among the audience)

Nathaniel: (is still dazed from the last chapters events) Uhhhhhhhhhhh…..

Godell: (looks at Nat with concern) You okay, man?

Nathaniel: (makes noise that sounds like a cat purring) Mmmmmm….NC-34…heh heh…

Godell & Bartimaus: OO

Audience: OO

Godell: (fumbles with keyboard) Uh, okay, lets continue, shall we?

Disclaimer: (cocks eyebrow and continues writing) I don't own Bartimaus, etc. I own my muse… (cocks head and grins)…Muu-kun. Nor do I own Slayers.

Chapter 7: Godell's POV

I groaned and cupped my chin in my hand. I was having extreme writers block. "I REALLY need some inspiration…Muu-kun!" I called to thin air. At once, my Xellos (from Slayers—don't ask) lookalike muse popped out of thin air. The only distinguishable differences between the two was Muu-kun had red hair, and street-clothes, and no staff. Anywho… "Need a bit of help?" my muse asked. I nodded.

"You've done everything your twisted mind can think of, and you've done 'right-brain' activities all day. In other words, DON'T WRITE UNTIL YOU'RE READY." Muu-kun leered. He cocked his head and smirked. "I've got it!" he screeched, making me (literally) jump about a foot into the air. "I'll go and give THEM hell!" "That'd be great, M." I replied with a groan. With a grin and a "poof", my muse left my side. I leaned back in my chair and waited for his return. Which didn't take long. Muu-kun reappeared sporting a pained expression. "I forgot. My 'Muse-Vow' dictates that I cannot leave your side unless I am not needed. However, I AM needed, so I had to be dragged back by the neck-hair back to you." (A/N: The Muse-Vow is also mine. You steal it, I write an explicit story with Lovelace. Kapice?) I gave Muu-kun a pat on the back, and returned to my computer. "Now then…let's see how Bartimaus and the others are faring…" I muttered, making my normally sane face twist into a "Rezo-grin" (also from Slayers, ack). Muu-kun nodded, and sat down in my desk to watch the show.

**Stupid, I know, but I'm really brain-dead here! I NEED I DEAS! R&R! If your idea's…insane enough, I'll give you credit, and use it in the fic! Rack your brains, everbody! Thanks!**


	8. Chapter 8

Heh. (hands out Kitty/Nathaniel plushies) Sorry I'm late with an update, but I had a HUGE Science test to study for, along with a bazillion reports…anyway, onward we go!

Disclaimer: I own no one except for Kimmy, and her Knight of Mary-Sue-ness… O.o

**The Character Corner! **

Godell: (sweatdrops) Welcome back, everybody, once again!

Bartimaus: I've been in suspense for weeks. Have you got a plot?

Godell:) Nope! I almost NEVER do!

Nathaniel & Bartimaus: (sweatdrop)

Godell: I assume this may be either the last, or second to last chapter in this fic.

Bartimaus: (ears perk up) REALLYYYYYYYYY!

Godell: (smiles) Hee!

Nathaniel: YESSSSSSSSS! WOO-HOO! (punches a fist into the air)

Godell: Now, off with the fic!

Chapter 8

Bartimaus ran back into the room where Kimmy's horrid creation lay. "We've GOT to finish this book, or else we'll go insane! C'mon!" he yelled over his shoulder. Kitty and Nathaniel walked slowly behind him, like prisoners on death row. Farquarl was already sitting in a chair and holding the book. He opened it to where the djinni had put a bookmark, and gasped. "B-Bartimaus…" he shivered. Bartimaus and the kids walked up to Farquarl and looked at the book themselves. "IT'S BLANK!" they screamed. They flipped through the book, finding each page as blank as a sheep's eyes. "How can this be?" everyone asked at once.

"Because you fools opened the book." came a voice.

Everyone swung around—and faced a young boy with long hair the color of grapes. He was wearing a rather odd looking outfit, with a sleeveless black turtleneck, light-blue spandex-like shorts with a navy-blue bandanna as a belt. His eyes were gold, like Bartimaus' were. "My name is Velexis, Kimmy's knight of Mary-Sue-ness. My mission is to capture 'Barty-hon'. Prepare yourselves." the boy calmly stated. Everyone shivered—his voice was like a wound, where you know it'll get better, but the pain still hurts. Bartimaus conjured up a bubble-like shield, which surrounded Kitty and Nathaniel. Farquarl joined Bartimaus, and together created a ball of fire, which they threw at Velexis. However, the boy only dodged it. "You have to do better than THAT, fools." Velexis said in his way-too-calm-to-be-human voice. Bartimaus transformed into a bull, and charged straight at Velexis. "I can play that way too, you know." he smirked—and transformed into a Rodeo cowboy. Leaping onto Bartimaus, he threw a muzzle around him, and bound his legs. As the djini changed back, Velexis did as well. Soon, Bartimaus was in his Ptolmy form, bound and gagged. Grinning in triumph, Velexis teleported back to…wherever Kimmy was.

_At Kimmy's Hideout…_

Bartimaus stared at his surroundings in shock. First of all, the bed he was lying on (still tied and gagged) was the same color as Kimmy's hair. There were also several…erm, "objects" lying around as well. Without warning, the ropes and gag were magically off him. _You may explore your room now, Barty-hon. _Kimmy's voice was INSIDE HIS HEAD! "AAAAAAAAAH!" the djinni screamed, and tried to teleport out of the room, but found that he couldn't. Apparantly, the…wherever he was was anti-teleportation. "Crap…" Bartimaus muttered, then decided it would be best to check his surroundings. Walking toward what would _possibly _qualify as a closet, he opened the purple door with caution. The djinni opened the door a crack, and shut it again. "Th-There's a pair of Playboy bunny ears in there!" he bit his nails in worry. Looking down, he realized that he had only his briefs on. "Oh, Ra…" Bartimaus groaned. Opening the closet fully, he grabbed a random yellow vest, and shut the foul door with a BANG. Slipping the vest on, he noticed that on the right side there was a patch that said "_Bartimaus: Super-Hot-Djinni-Dude_" in purple. Bartimaus felt sick. "I hope everyone decides to search for me. It's not like I'm going to just come quietly, after all…"

_Back at Nathaniel's House…_

"Wait a second…how can Kimmy even be real? She's just some crazy girl's made-up character!" Nathaniel asked. Farquarl shrugged and pointed to the book. "That thing must be some sort of magical object: whoever reads it gets to be part of the story." Kitty had been silent ever since Bartimaus' capture. Now she spoke. "We have to save him." she muttered. The other two nodded. "I mean, we can't just let him live with that Kimmy freak forever, can we?" More nods. "WELL! WHAT'RE YOU IDIOTS WAITING FOR! LET'S GO SAVE HIM!" Kitty screeched at the two…er, "men" (Since Farquarl isn't exactly human, is he?). As Kitty and Nathaniel ran to Nat's summoning room, Farquarl took a glance at Kimmy's book. Opening it, he noticed that pages one through five had writing on them again. Looking closely, his eyebrows flew upward in surprise. There, in red pen, was Bartimaus' writing:

_The only reason I'm even writing is to pass the time. Kimmy hasn't yet called me to her chambers yet, but every so often, her voice enters my mind, checking to see how I am. I always answer with a scream; I've never met anyone so dedicated to me. It's freaky. And, think of THIS: the Sue is SMART! Yes, smart. She made sure that I couldn't teleport put of here, and (this is the scary part) her right-hand…boy? Man? Being. Okay, her "right-hand-being" seems to know as much about me as Farquarl does! Scarier still, the "being", Velexis, is actually 1,000 years old! MY age! Of course, this goes to prove that size doesn't matter in the world of djinn. Anyway, I hear Velexis coming down the hall again, I'd better stop writing…_

Farquarl stared at the book in shock. Flipping a page, he realized the book was jotting down Bartimaus' "stay" at Kimmy's hideout:

"_I hope everyone decides to search for me. It's not like I'm going to just come quietly, after all…"_

"No kidding, Bartimaus." Farquarl chuckled as he remembered the time, back in Egypt, when Bartimaus took down 2 pyramids and one temple to try and avoid being sent back to the Other Place, away from Ptolmy.

_Bartimaus stared at his surroundings in shock. First of all, the bed he was lying on (still tied and gagged) was the same color as Kimmy's hair. There were also several…erm, "objects" lying around as well. Without warning, the ropes and gag were magically off him. **You may explore your room now, Barty-hon**. Kimmy's voice was INSIDE HIS HEAD! "AAAAAAAAAH!" the djinni screamed, and tried to teleport out of the room, but found that he couldn't. _

"Hmmm…" Farquarl muttered, scanning the page quickly. Bartimaus was definitely going to need rescuing soon, that much was certain. Closing the book with a snap, Farquarl teleported to Nathaniel's summoning room. "Let's see what they're up to.."

_Back at Kimmy's Hideout…_

Bartimaus' eyes had lost their usual cunning and mischievous look. Instead, there was a lost look, which didn't fit his character at all. Neither did the blood-red space-age chest armor and spandex. "What's going on?" his voice sounded hoarse. Velexis, dressed in similar attire, flexed his muscles calmly. "We're going to be doing a bit of sparring." Bartimaus blinked, confused. "I remember…Lady Kimmy…putting some sort of….bandanna on my head…" his hand moved towards his forehead. "No, wait!" Finally Velexis' calm demeanor changed a bit. He grabbed the djinni's hand. "You must not touch that spot…erm, you whacked yourself in the head with a shovel."

"I did?"

"Yes."

"When? I don't remember."

"Uh…" Velexis tried to remember. Bartimaus had slept for what seemed like years.

"Well?"

"Erm…oh yeah! For about three or four hours ago, I suppose." Velexis smiled at Bartimaus in what was (for him, anyway) very kind-looking.

"Oh, okay." Bartimaus smiled a little then, and began doing some warm-up exercises. When the djinni turned his back, Velexis' "warm" smile was replaced by a smirk that nearly reached his ears. "Miss Kimmy," he whispered to the ceiling "You're victory over Bartimaus is at hand."

_Kimmy's Hideout, in the audience chamber…_

Kimmy smiled at the scene before her. Bartimaus following her every command…now this was fun. To her, anyway. _That bandanna I made is going to keep him mine forever! 111111111yay!1111111 _she thought with a smirk. Bartimaus, meanwhile, was tugging at the sleeves of his way-too-tight tuxedo. "Miss Kim, why do I feel so weird wearing this?" he asked Kimmy, while trying to move his arms unsuccessfully. "Like, okay. Number one, please call me Lady Kimantha. Number two, the reason you feel so weird is because you aren't used to this sort of thing yet. Now then.." Her face leaned in toward his, and she began to undo the spaghetti straps on her bunny sundress. "Shall we commence? lol"

_At Nathaniel's Summoning Room…_

Kitty gasped with surprise and happiness. The entire room was filled with djinn of all types: imps, djinni, afrits, to name a few. "ALRIIIGHT!" she and Nathaniel yelled in triumph. "LETS GO GET 'EM!" Farquarl sweatdropped. (A/N: "Sweatdrops/Sweatdropping is a popular Anime clitch) "I've got a feeling these guys won't last long.." He was silenced by Kitty's death-glare. Nathaniel smiled. _Bartimaus, we're coming for you. _

**Sorry it was so long. I wanted to make a long chappie so you reviewers wouldn't get angry at me for a teeny-tiny chapter like last time. (sweatdrop) Anyway, R&R! A Velexis plushie if you do! **


	9. Chapter 9: The Climax Begins?

YAY! REVIEWS! (hugs reviewers) I'm…so…HAPPYYYYY…

Okay, anyway, lets get started… MUWAHAHAHAHA!

**The Char Corner! **

Godell: (insane/alluring gin) WELCOME BACK, everyone!

Bartimaus: (is feeling ill) What sort of stuff is gonna happen this time?

Godell: (puts index finger to lips) "Now, THAT is a secret!"

Nathaniel: You're just doing that because you know I hate Xellos, aren't you.

Godell: Yup!

Bartimaus: But Nathaniel, I _like _Xellos…

Godell: (sweatdrop) Uh, shouldn't we continue?

Nat & Bartimaus: Yeah, anything to get away from this torture.

(Sounds of Godell clobbering her co-hosts with her mike)

Disclaimer: (sigh) Take a guess.

Chapter Nine: The Climax Begins?

Bartimaus blinked. It had been an hour after Kimmy's sudden…well, I won't go into details…let's just say she enjoyed herself. Taking a quick glance around, Bartimaus stood up, yawned—and ripped off the bandanna! Looking down at it, the djinni made a face. The cloth was pink with frills on it, and a purple jewel in the center. "Ugh." He stuck his tongue out at the bandanna, and chucked it into the fire with enthusiasm. "Okay…now, to find a way to get out of here! But first—a change of style!" Bartimaus cried, as he transformed himself into a surfer-dude with bangs that nearly covered his eyes, and wore (so that Kimmy wouldn't get suspicious) a purple tanktop and black shorts. Grinning to himself, he charged out of the room, thinking up plans of escape…

_Meanwhile…._

Kitty and Nathaniel sat together on the back of a afrit/dragon, alongside Farquarl and the others. "I wonder exactly how we can even defeat Kimmy anyway?" Nat wondered aloud as they passed the Eifel Tower. "Dunno, lets ask Farquarl—HEY 'FART-QUARREL'! HOW DO WE DEFEAT KIMMY!" Kitty replied with a grin, turning to Farquarl, who was now a raven. "Will you just **stop calling me that! **And no, I have no clue what we can do." The "raven" squawked. "Oh. Okay, 'Fart-Quarrel'!" Nathaniel and Kitty replied, laughing at Farquarl's peeved expression—at least for a raven anyway. "I swear, after this is through, I'm going to make you two mute."

_Back at Kimmy's Hideout, in Velexis' Room…_

Velexis smiled at his reflection in the mirror. He was wearing a purple mail shirt and black leggings, and had a bandanna that said "Go Go Kimmy" in violet. Doing a few warm-up exercises, the "Knight" took a last look at his room before he went to see Kimmy. His room was filled with clothes, weights, a few CD's, and karaoke machines. His bed was white, with purple handprints on the sheets, obviously his. With a satisfied smirk, Velexis closed the door. _I can't wait to hear what plan Lady Kimmy has in store for Bartimaus and his "rescuers". _he thought with a almost-childlike smile.

_Kimmy's Hideout, the game room…_

"w00t! Oh yeah! Go me, go me!" Kimmy squealed to herself as the karaoke machine gave her a 88 for good singing. With a smile, she picked another song, and began again:

_(Hey, Hey)  
Bye, Bye, Bye  
Bye, Bye...  
Bye, Bye...  
Oh, Oh.. _

I'm doin' this tonight,  
You're probably gonna start a fight.  
I know this can't be right.  
Hey baby come on,  
I loved you endlessly,  
When you weren't there for me.  
So now it's time to leave and make it alone  
I know that I can't take no more  
It ain't no lie  
I wanna see you out that door  
Baby, bye, bye, bye...

Bye Bye  
Don't wanna be a fool for you  
Just another player in your game for two  
You may hate me but it ain't no lie,  
Baby, bye, bye, bye...  
Bye Bye

Velexis poked his head in the doorway. "Hello Miss Kim. How're you doing?" Kimmy just nodded in response, and continued singing, as her "Knight" sat on a couch nearby to watch.

_  
Don't really wanna make it tough,  
I just wanna tell you that I had enough.  
It might sound crazy,  
But it ain't no lie,  
Baby, bye, bye, bye _

(Oh, Oh)  
Just hit me with the truth,  
Now, girl you're more than welcome to.  
So give me one good reason,  
Baby come on  
I live for you and me,  
And now I really come to see,  
That life would be much better once you're gone.

I know that I can't take no more  
It ain't no lie,  
I wanna see you out that door  
Baby, bye, bye, bye...  
Bye Bye  
Don't wanna be a fool for you  
Just another player in your game for two

Bartimaus, as it happened, was running right past the game room at that moment. Screeching to a halt, he stopped and listened, feeling adrenaline thumping through his "body". "Heh. Makes me want to sing alongside her…" With a evil smile, the djinni noticed several cords lying nearby, one which said "Lights" another "Karaoke" and yet another with "Everything Else". Slowly, Bartimaus inched towards the cords, mentally cackling in evil laughter…

_You may hate me but it ain't no lie,  
Baby Bye, bye, bye...  
Bye Bye  
Don't really wanna make it tough,  
I just wanna tell you that I had enough (ooh ooh)  
It might sound crazy,  
But it ain't no lie,  
Baby, bye, bye, bye _

I'm giving up I know for sure  
I don't wanna be the reason for your love no more  
Bye Bye  
I'm checkin' out  
I'm signin' off  
Don't wanna be the loser and I've had enough

Velexis stole a quick glance at Bartimaus, who was fiddling with the cords. He decided to not tell Kimmy about him. After all, he wasn't doing anything TOO bad…with a smirk, Velexis watched Bartimaus swear profoundly at the cords, and fall flat on his arse. Life was getting better by the second.

Don't wanna be your fool  
In this game for two  
So I'm leavin' you behind  
Bye, bye, bye...

I don't wanna make it tough (wanna make it tough)  
But I had enough  
And it ain't no lie (Bye, bye baby...)  
Bye, Bye  
Don't wanna be a fool for you  
Just another player in your game for two (I don't wanna be your fool)

Finally, Bartimaus got all three cords unplugged, and watched in satisfaction as, one by one, the electronics turns off. That done, the djinni ran down the hallway, watching the lights dim in the game room.

_  
But it ain't no lie  
Baby bye, bye, bye... _

Don't really wanna make it tough (don't really wanna make it tough),  
I just wanna tell you that I had enough (that I had enough).

Velexis mentally congratulated Bartimaus on his feat. After all, those cords were specially designed for the djinni to NOT pull them out. Kimmy was still singing, apparently wanting to wrap up the song as quickly as possible.

_Might sound crazy,  
But it ain't no lie,  
Bye, bye, bye_

"Bravo, Mistress Kimmy!" Velexis politely clapped. Kimmy bowed gracefully, her long purple hair waving behind her. "I have…an idea on how to defeat Barty-hon's pathetic friends." She smiled, her eyes shining in mischief. Velexis grinned and asked "How?" Kimmy laughed, and softly murmured:

"A karaoke contest. Me and you versus Barty-hon and his friends. Whoever wins get's to keep my Hubby. lol"

"…." Velexis' mouth dropped open in surprise.

"…What?" Kimmy asked, poking her "Knight" lightly with her pinky finger.

"It's just…so…PERFECT!" Velexis cheered, and hugged Kimmy in celebration. "Not only will you get Bartim—I mean Barty-hon for good, but we'll have the immense satisfaction of hearing Fart-Quarrel's attempt at singing!" Kimmy smiled. "i know"

_Meanwhile…_

Bartimaus still couldn't find any way out of his prison. "Crap. Am I going to be stuck here forever!" he yelled at the ceiling. Suddenly, a thought came to him. _Hmm…the ceiling? It just might work! _The djinni thought with a smile. He thrust his hands upward to the ceiling, and began to recite some words that only he knew. His hands began to glow with a crimson light, as did the rest of his body. With a twisted smirk, Bartimaus yelled "…BY MY WILL, LET THIS DEMAND BE GRANTED!" Closing his eyes, the djinni waited for the result:

**BOOM.**

A huge chunk of the ceiling came off, and was shot up into the air. With a gleeful cry, Bartimaus leaped out after it, with thoughts of freedom on his mind—only to be met by Velexis a second later. "Whuh—whuh—whuh!" Bartimaus stuttered. Velexis smirked. "You really shouldn't be so…_explosive _with your getaways. We could hear you all the way back in the game room." Bartimaus suddenly found himself being dragged back towards where he'd came. "No! NO! I'm not going to just stay here like some dog!" he yelled up at Velexis, who was roaring with laughter. However, his words were soon drowned out as the chunk of ceiling was magically restored to it's proper place once more…

Bartimaus: O.O Hey now, that's not fair! I nearly escaped!

Godell: Yeah well, I wanna hear you sing kareoke!

Nathaniel: (is very nervous) Uh...Godell...there's a bit of a problem about your "battle".

Godell: What?

Nathaniel: (blushes) I CAN'T SING!

Godell: ) Well, that just makes it even more fun!

Nathaniel: IT DOES NOT!

**Sorry about the delay, but it was worth it! ) R&R please! I'll give you a Bartimaus poster if you do! (waves it around) Isn't it cool? **


	10. Chapter 10: Grand Finale!

…Sorry about the very, very long delay. (goes straight to work) Okay.

The Char. Corner!

Godell: ;) Hiiii!

ALL: GET ON WITH IT! (Ever seen "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"?)

Godell: Okay, okay! (writes)

Disclaimer: …yeah.

Chapter 10: Final Chapter

Kimmy watched Nathaniel and the others enter her hideout with a smirk. It had taken them forever to find it…but then again, she had doubted that they would look for a run-down mansion. At least, it was like that on the outside… Anyway, as the rescuers entered the room she was in—the game room—she cried "Like, welcome! I'm Kimmy, and I'll be ur host! lol" Kitty marched up to the girl and growled "You little ---ch. How DARE you capture Bartimaus like this!" She pointed to the frilly mass that was Bartimaus. "Go get 'er, Kitty!" Nathaniel and Bartimaus shouted. Kimmy shook her head. "The only way you'll get Barty-hon back is if you win a karaoke contest against me. So, let's begin!" she squealed, as the lights in the room blared on. Velexis jumped out of nowhere, and sliced through the djinn with a silver disk. They fell dead, and disintegrated into nothing. Nathaniel, Farquarl, and Kitty were left. Sighing, they said "Alright. Let's play." Kimmy and Velexis grinned, and untied Bartimaus. "He can sing too. Now LETS GO!" they screamed. Pulling four index cards out of her pocket, Kimmy held them so that only she could see the lyrics. "Okay, ladies first!" she pointed to Kitty. Kitty grumbled, and quietly chose. "Umm..this one." She pointed to a card on the right. Handing her the lyrics, Kimmy stepped back from the nearest karaoke machine. "Go on!" Kitty shrugged, and began:

_So don't go breaking my heart_

_I couldn't if I tried_

_And Honey if I get restless_

_Baby you're not that kind_

_So don't go breaking my heart_

_You take the weight off me_

_Oh honey if you knock on my door_

_Ooh, I gave you my key_

Nathaniel blinked. "Hmm, well I suppose she gave me the key to her boss' shop, so that makes sense."

_Woohooo, nobody knows it_

_Nobody Knows..._

_When I was down_

_I was your clown_

Kitty glared at he lyrics, then back at Kitty. "I'm going to kill you after this, girl…"

_Woohooo, nobody knows it_

_Nobody Knows..._

_Right from the start_

_I gave you my heart_

_Ooohwoah, I gave you my heart_

_So don't go breaking my heart_

_I won't go breaking your heart_

_Don't go breaking my _

_Don't go breaking my _

_Don't go breaking my heart_

_And nobody told us_

_Cause nobody showed us_

_And now it's up to us babe_

_Ooh, I think we can make it_

_So don't misunderstand me_

_You put the light in my life_

_You make the spark into a flame_

_I've got your heart in my sights_

_Woohooo, nobody knows it_

_When I was down_

_I was your clown_

_Woohooo, nobody knows it_

_Nobody Knoowhoas..._

_Right from the start_

_I gave you my heart_

_Ooohwoah, I gave you my heart_

_So don't go breaking my heart_

_I won't go breaking your heart_

_Don't go breaking my _

_Don't go breaking my _

_Don't go breaking my heart_

_Woohooo, Nobody knows it_

_When I was down_

_I was your clown_

_Right from the start_

_I gave you my heart_

_Ooohwoah, I gave you my heart_

_So don't go breaking my heart_

_I won't go breaking your heart_

_Don't go breaking my _

_Don't go breaking my _

_Don't go breaking my heart_

_Don't go breaking my _

_Don't go breaking my _

_Don't go breaking my heart_

_Don't go breaking my_

"SHUT UP!" shouted all males present. Kitty glared at them, and went on.

_Don't go breaking my _

_Don't go breaking my heart_

_Don't go breaking my _

_Don't go breaking my _

_Don't go breaking my heart_

_Don't go breaking my _

_Don't go breakin my heart_

"FINALLY!" shouted the males again. Kitty sniffed, and hopped down from the machine. Nathaniel walked up to Kimmy, and gingerly picked a card. Kimmy grinned, whacked Nat on the back, and stepped back again from the machine. Nathaniel looked at his lyrics, blushed, and started singing, even though he really could NOT:

_Dirty Pop_

_I'm sick and tired of hearin' all these people talk about_

_What's the deal with this pop life and when is it gona fade out?_

_The thing you've got to realize what were doin' is not a trend_

_We got the gift of melody gonna bring it 'til the end (come on now)_

_It doesn't matter_

_'Bout the car i drive or what i wear around my neck_

"Hey, this reminds me of the time he had to wear a blood-red feather in his hat while in Prague to get that spy to talk with him!" Bartimaus exclaimed. Kitty asked "What happened?"

_All that matters _

_Is that you reconize that it's just about respect_

_It doesn't matter_

_'Bout the clothes i wear and where i go and why _

_All that matters_

_Is that you get hype and we'll do to you everytime (come on now)_

_Chorus_

_Do you ever wonder why_

_this music gets you high_

_It takes you on a ride_

_You feel it when your _

_Body starts to rock _

_and baby you can't stop_

_and the music's all you got_

_This must be pop_

"…And that's what happened. Pity the spy got killed." Bartimaus concluded. Kitty's face was a mixture between hilarity and pity.

_Dirty Pop_

_Baby, Baby you can't stop _

_I know you like this_

_Dirty pop_

_This must be..._

_Now why you want to try to classify the type of thing we do_

_'Cause were just fine doin' what we like_

_Can we say the same for you?_

"No, Nat, we can't." Bartimaus said with a smirk. Kitty giggled.

_Tired of feelin' all around me animosity _

_Just worry 'bout yours 'cause i'm a get mine now people can't you see_

_It doesn't matter_

_'Bout the car i drive or the ice around my neck_

Bartimaus cocked an ear. "Did he say ICE! Wouldn't it melt? But no, Nat's not hot enough. He's an ice cube." He sniggered. Kitty grinned. "I wonder why I even put up with him." Nathaniel glared at them both. "Shut up."

_All that matters _

_Is that you reconize that it's just about respect_

_It doesn't matter_

_'Bout the clothes i wear and where i go and why _

_All that matters_

_Is that you get hype and we'll do to you everytime (come on)_

_Chorus-repeat_

_Oooooh, man I'm tired of singin'_

Nathaniel quickly hopped off the karaoke machine, and launched himself at Bartimaus, screaming "I'M GONNA DESTROY YOU!" at the top of his lungs. Meanwhile, Farquarl flew over to Kimmy (he's still a raven), and picked the second-to-last card. Grinning, Kimmy said "I'd hoped you would pick that one." Farquarl clacked his beak, and fluttered over to the machine. He suddenly began, making a nearby window shatter:

_Take my hand HONEY _

_welcome to my ROMANTIC DINNER _

_be happy HONEY _

_take it easy and relax_

_taste my MAIN DISH _

_but, don't forget your DESSERT _

_before the food, everyone is equal _

_that's my worst MANNER _

_i'll give my affection for girls_

_that's my best service_

_BABY i shall give it for your smile _

_sonarating MELODY KNIFE & FORK _

_BABY let's enjoy the faith we met_

_if someone stand on my way, i'll KICK & DOWN_

_in front of mother, everyone is a child _

_it's the same thing. it's necessary_

_i shell polish to shine the beautiful things_

_that's my absolute RULE_

_BABY i shell whisper like a moon_

_melting PINK & GREEN _

_BABY just like the lullaby for lost kitten _

_for annoying people are good enough for KICK & DOWN_

_Take my hand HONEY _

_welcome to my DRAMATIC DINNER _

_be happy HONEY _

_take it easy, relax_

_become lighthead by the red WINE _

_and, don't forget your DESSERT_

Farquarl blushed, and flew over to Kitty, perching on her shoulder. Bartimaus blinked twice, rubbed his ears, and walked over to Kimmy. "I'm assuming the last one is mine?" Kimmy nodded. Grabbing the paper, the djinni stalked over to the "stage", and said "You know, I believe this is a girl's song." Kimmy shrugged, and gestured for him to sing. Bartimaus complied, mentally seething:

_Even in my heart I see _

_You're not bein' true to me _

_Deep within my soul I feel _

_Nothing's like it used to be _

_Sometimes I wish I could turn back time _

_Impossible as it may seem _

_But I wish I could so bad baby _

_Quit playin' games with my heart _

_Chorus: _

_Quit playin' games with my heart _

_Before you tear us apart_

"Say, wasn't there a djinni that had a similar experience?" Nathaniel asked Farquarl. Farquarl nodded, and continued listening to Bartimaus' singing, hoping to get some tips.

_I should've known from the start _

_Before you got into my heart _

_I live my life the way _

_To keep you comin' back to me _

_Everything I do is for you so _

_So what is it that you can't see _

_Sometimes I wish I could _

_Turn back time, impossible as it may seem _

_But I wish I could so bad _

_You better quit playin' games with my heart _

_Chorus _

_Quit playin' games _

_Baby, baby the love that we had was so strong _

_Don't leave me hangin' here forever _

_Oh baby, baby this is not a lie, let's stop _

_This tonight _

_Baby, quit playin' games _

_Sometimes I wish I could _

_Turn back time, impossible as it may seem _

_But I wish I could so bad, baby _

_Quit playin' games with my heart _

Kimmy applauded heartily. "Good job, Barty-hon! Now, it's my turn! lmao" she squealed. Velexis handed her a paper, and Kimmy hopped onto the machine and started singing:

_Hit it! _

_This ain't no disco _

_It ain't no country club either _

_This is LA! _

_"All I wanna do is have a little fun before I die," _

_Says the man next to me out of nowhere _

_It's apropos _

_Of nothing _

_He says his name's William but I'm sure, _

_He's Bill or Billy or Mac or Buddy _

_And he's plain ugly to me _

_And I wonder if he's ever had a day of fun in his whole _

_life _

_We are drinking beer at noon on Tuesday _

_In a bar that faces a giant car wash _

_The good people of the world are washing their cars _

_On their lunch break, hosing and scrubbing _

_As best they can in skirts in suits _

_They drive their shiny Datsuns and Buicks _

_Back to the phone company, the record store too _

_Well, they're nothing like Billy and me, cause _

_Chorus _

_All I wanna do is have some fun _

_I got a feeling I'm not the only one _

_All I wanna do is have some fun _

_I got a feeling I'm not the only one _

_All I wanna do is have some fun _

_Until the sun comes up over Santa Monica Boulevard_

Nathaniel smiled slightly. "One of dreams is to go to Santa Monica. Wonder if I can sell Kimmy's shirt off at a good enough price." Bartimaus snuck up to Kimmy, and yanked off her shirt with the skill of an expert. Luckily, Kimmy had a shirt on underneath, so she didn't notice. Nat grinned at the djinni. "Thanks."

_I like a good beer buzz early in the morning _

_And Billy likes to peel the labels _

_From his bottles of Bud _

_He shreds them on the bar _

_Then he lights every match in an oversized pack _

_Letting each one burn down to his thick fingers _

_before blowing and cursing them out _

_And he's watching the bottles of Bud as they spin on _

_the floor _

_And a happy couple enters the bar _

_Dangerously close to one another _

_The bartender looks up from his want ads _

_Chorus _

_Otherwise the bar is ours, _

_The day and the night and the car wash too _

_The matches and the Buds and the clean and dirty _

_cars _

_The sun and the moon but_

_Chorus_

Kimmy bowed, and hopped off of the "stage". Bartimaus calmly ripped up the other index-cards in Velexis' hands and said "Ooops. Now we can't do this contest anymore. That means I'm free to go!" Nathaniel, Kitty, and Farquarl agreed, and ran out the door, breaking anything that was in their way. Kimmy bellowed "Like, stop them!" and Velexis came charging towards the escapees, smiling an evil smile. "I'm coming to get you all!" he screamed, and flung a silver disk at Farquarl. "AAAH!" Farquarl screamed as the disk came into direct contact with his wing. Green blood began dripping out of his wound. "No time to stop! Run!" Bartimaus yelled at Fraquarl. "Perch on my arm!" Nathaniel cried. Farquarl did as he was bid, wincing at the throbbing pain. Kitty pulled out her own silver disk, and flung it at Velexis. She was rewarded by a gasp of pain. "Gotcha!" she shouted with a satisfied smile, and flung two more disks. Unfortunately, her aim was rather off, and the disks slammed into the walls instead. "Oops."

Kimmy grabbed Velexis by the arm. "C'mon, we'll catch Barty-hon this way!" she giggled, and flung Velexis like a boomarang towards Bartimaus and the others. **_Clunk. _**Velexis collided into Nathaniel's head, knocking him out. As Kitty paused to pick him up, Velexis regained his balance, and tripped her expertly. Soon, everyone was piled one on top of the other, with Velexis at the top. "Hee-!" he giggled, and nudged Bartimaus' face roughly with his silver-tipped boots. "I win!"

A few minutes later, Bartimaus and the rest were lined up in front of Kimmy and Velexis, both of whom were holding leashes. "Liek, okay! Heeere Barty-hon! Heeere boy!" Kimmy cooed. Bartimaus crawled over to the horrid Sue, and waited for the worst. A leash was placed on him, and was tied to a pillar nearby. "Okay, next!" Velexis called. Soon, everyone had a leash on them, and were tied to different parts of the room. "So, what's the point of all this?" Bartimaus asked as he tugged on his leash. "Oh, it's just to make sure that nobody escapes. Now then, let's DO it!" Kimmy grinned slyly. Nathaniel and the others whimpered, while Bartimaus stood frozen in horror…

Nathaniel felt sick. Velexis had placed a waste-bin near each of the captives, just in case it was too terrifying, but they had been filled a long time ago. Kitty was lucky. She was a girl. She didn't have to be put through this torture. "A-are you DONE yet?" Nathaniel screamed at Kimmy, who had Bartimaus pinned down on the floor. "Nope." She winked. "But you're next!" Nathaniel fainted dead away, wondering where it would all end.

_An hour later…_

Nathaniel awoke to the sound of Bartimaus screaming "Thank RA!" He whimpered. "Oh, for the love of God, why me…?" he muttered in horror, as Kimmy crawled over to him, and tugged on his shirt expectantly.

_An hour after THAT…_

Bartimaus would have laughed, had he not had the same experience. Nathaniel had fainted at least twice so far, and kept waking up to Kimmy saying "Are you ready NOW?" Kitty was cowering in a corner, her hands over her eyes. "My eyes…my ears…!" she moaned in agony. The djinni did likewise, trying his best not to scream like a girl. "Oh, NATTY!" came Kimmy's dreaded voice. Bartimaus grabbed a random microphone nearby, and placed its iron against his skin. _Please let me faint please let me faint please let me faint please let me faint… _It seemed that fate was kind to Bartimaus on that day. He fainted after the fourth repeat.

Meanwhile, Velexis was guarding the door, with earplugs stuffed into his ears. He checked his watch. It had been four hours now. _C'mon mistress Kimmy wrap it up. _Peeking inside, Velexis instantly closed the door again, his face flushed. _That was not meant for ANYONE'S eyes. Honestly, this place should be rated NC-100 for disturbing images and full-frontal nudity! _

_Finally, five hours later…_

"Well, unfortunately the fun is over. But we'll do it again soon." Kimmy chirped, as she pulled her shoes on at last. The leashes were cut. Velexis cheered loudly in relief. Nobody else did.They were too shocked but what had just happened to say anything. Well, maybe Bartimaus and Fraquarl knew a bit more about what goes on in the world, for they were eerily calm. Bartimaus shrugged, and asked "So can I go free now?" Kimmy shook her head. "NO! NO NO NO! YOU ARE MINE FOREVER AND EVER! I HAVE NO INTENTION OF LETTING YOU G—!" she screamed, but was cut short. Looking down, she noticed that her body was disappearing. "What!" Kimmy turning around as best she could, as her torso was disappearing fast. "V-Velexis!" she screamed.

Velexis was standing behind her, a knife in one hand, and the pink book in the other. "I can't stand being near you anymore, Kimantha. You're too much of a Mary Sue. Sure, after you disappear I will too, but that doesn't mean I can't have a bit of satisfaction before I go. See you on the other side. Oh, and Bartimaus"—Velexis turned towards the djinni—"sorry about this. Here, have my mail shirt." He ripped off his shirt and flung it towards Bartimaus. With that, Kimmy's screams of rage dissipated into nothing, and Velexis' peaceful smile faded away.

Nathaniel stared at the spot where the two had once stood, and fainted again. Bartimaus pulled on the mail shirt, hardly noticing it molded itself to fit him. Kitty sighed. "Well, I suppose he wasn't such a bad guy after all." She said, stroking her cloven leash absentmindedly. Farquarl shrugged. "I suppose Kimmy had only so much control over him. It's like us djinni—give us too much leeway and we turn on you." Bartimaus silently watched as Kimmy's Mansion faded away as well. "You know, even if she was evil, and a Mary Sue, I kind of feel sorry for her. Think about it: all she had on her mind was me. I suppose it must have been maddening, thinking about only one person every day, hour, minute, and second. It must have been difficult." He sighed. Suddenly, there was a tiny noise, like a baby crying. Running towards the sound, the group found themselves facing a brown-haired girl with a white sweatshirt and brown pants. She was holding a baby. "Hi!" she waved to them. "My name's Godell. I just wanted you guys to know that"—she took a deep breath—"you PASSED THE TEST!" "WHAT!" shouted Bartimaus and the others. "Hehe, well y'see, one day I got bored and I wondered 'What would happen if Bartimaus encountered a Mary Sue?' so I wrote this fanfiction. I wanted to see if you guys could survive it and you did! Congrats!" Godell giggled nervously, and rubbed the back of her head sheepishly. The baby started crying again. "Oh, yeah! I almost forgot!" she chirped, and held up the baby. "Say hi to the nice people, Velexis!"

"Wait…" Bartimaus gasped.

"…A…" Nathaniel awoke, and gasped as well.

"…Dang…" Kitty nearly choked on her tongue.

"…Minute!" Farquarl screamed.

"Yep, this is Velexis. I decided on bringing him back because he's so cool." Godell grinned. She handed him to Bartimaus. "Take good care of him now!" And with that, Godell was gone. Bartimaus glanced down at the baby in his arms. "Yeah, we will, Godell. We will." he muttered to the baby. The djinni turned to the others, who were standing there waiting for his next move.

"Who's up for a party?"

THE END!

**Yes, it's the end! (sobs) Farewell, my fic! (fanfics flies away) Don't forget to write!**

Godell: It's done.

Bartimaus: (is holding baby Velexis) What's going to happen to us now?

Nathaniel: Yeah, what's going to happen?

Godell: (puts index finger to mouth) Now, THAT is a…

Nathaniel and Bartimaus: THAT'S NOT AN ANSWER!

Godell: (indignantly) Yes it is!

Nathaniel and Bartimaus: No it's not!

Godell: Yes it IS!

Nathaniel and Bartimaus: No it's NOT!

(bickering continues into the night)


	11. Chapter 11: I almost forgot!

Oh, I nearly forgot:

The songs' ORIGINAL vocalists are (in order)

Spice Girls

N'Sync

Sanji/One Piece (I have no idea which)

Backstreet Boys

Sheryl Crow

Thank you. ;)


End file.
